On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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