no one should ever give us hovercrafts
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
