Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize