the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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