worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
