I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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