My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Drunk is not a location!
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
