The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize