And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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