Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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