He kissed a someone with a penis
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize