im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
