i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
