So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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