atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
