I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize