i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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