My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
