we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
