Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
You are a genius and a whore.
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