whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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