she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
