sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
