woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
