So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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