if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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