Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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