Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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