I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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