Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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