Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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