my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
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