he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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