and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
