I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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