If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
