u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
