OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
