dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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