I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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