a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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