Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
