remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Randomize
