dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
