I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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