I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize