I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
you had me at cake vodka
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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