just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Randomize
