Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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