I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
