apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
