I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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