He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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