What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Randomize
