She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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