you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
