I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
