Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
