I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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